When it’s “bullying” – and when it’s not

Recently a parent stopped me, worried about a 6-year-old “bully” who was causing trouble in the classroom. The child in question — in my observation — wasn’t a bully, but rather a fairly typical little girl, testing out her advanced verbal (and not-so-advanced social) skills. The parent was very upset about the impact of this “bully” in the classroom — and wanted to know what could be done to stop her. But was this truly “bullying?” No, it wasn’t. And I worry about the little girl being labeled “bully”, because the word has such negative connotations. So, what IS the definition of bullying?

Bullying is being intentionally, repeatedly, cruel and belittling to smaller or less powerful kids. 6-year-old girls telling each other “you can’t come to my birthday party” aren’t bullies. Bullying has been getting some much-deserved attention in the media, and as a shrink I can attest to the terrible damage that TRUE bullying does to kids. But as an Early Childhood specialist, I know that little kids — especially girls — “practice” their social skills in school, and those skills get quite a bit of needed refining in 1st and 2nd grades. Teachers in those grades know that this is common behavior, and gives the kids the opportunity to do some social “practicing” in a safe situation. Do they need limits, structure, and guidance in the process? You bet. But labeling them “bullies” is an overreaction – and places a heavy burden on a child.

If you have a First or Second grader, here’s what to know:

  • Kids need to “try out” their peer-to-peer social skills. Like lion cubs, they need to practice — but they don’t really mean any harm.
  • “Victims” at this age tend to shrug off the insults with no problem. Don’t jump in to protect your cub until you see she’s truly struggling.
  • Talk early — and often — about the social struggles among your kids’ friends. Make it a point to ask about the details, not to get anyone into trouble — but to help your cub think through the next incarnation of the battle. We’re building “social muscle” here.
  • Role-play regular situations that crop up. Cutting in line, saying “mean” things, and “who is best friends with whom” are typical arguments. Walk through these issues with your child to try out new approaches and solutions. Ask, “What might you say instead next time?”
  • Be interested, open, and empathic — and try to hold back your parental protectiveness, unless there’s something serious going on.

And of course, if your child is truly being bullied — or is, in fact, the bully — please step in immediately to involve the teachers and other parents. This is an age where true bullying  can — and should — be nipped in the bud.  With some practice (and a little luck), you’re setting the stage for your child to come to you with social dilemmas in adolescence and beyond, as they confront ever-more complex dramas and situations.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink