Tips for responding to unwanted parenting advice

From the moment others know you are pregnant, parenting advice starts flowing.  Nothing can stop it, not even wearing a parenting-advicegiant “no parenting advice allowed” sign. A helpful strategy is to “be a duck”— let the advice roll off you like water off a duck’s back. Here are tips for keeping unsolicited advice from ruffling your feathers.

Use your power

You can’t control what other people say, but you can control your response. Whether advice is helpful, annoying, or neutral is up to you –don’t give someone else the power to annoy you.

Know that it’s not about you

When you ask for advice because you are struggling with a parenting concern or you want to know how others do things—that’s about you—you are satisfying your desire for information.  When people give unsolicited advice—that’s about them—they are satisfying their need to give information. Maybe they need to feel important and valued, maybe seeing you and your child triggered a memory, maybe they feel left out of their own child’s or grandchild’s life. Whatever the reason, it’s not your parenting.

Listen to the intent behind the words

Many parents’ go-to response to strangers’ comments is a brief smile or “thank you.” When that won’t work (maybe the advice is coming from a relative), try to respond to the intent behind the words, regardless of what is actually said. Is the speaker

  • trying to help you in a difficult moment?
  • excited about a solution that worked for them?
  • trying to connect with you about parenting but doesn’t know how?
  • clueless, with no filter between her brain and her mouth?

Focusing on why the speaker is giving advice reduces the sting of inconsiderate remarks. Acknowledge the comment with a neutral “I appreciate your concern,” or “I am glad that worked for you,” and change the subject quickly.