There are many, many families with children whose parents have divorced, live in separate homes and have divided up parenting responsibilities. There is the book, Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D., which discusses how to set up two separate but equal homes. I think about the purple family movie from the family court and how the purple transforms into a red family and a blue family as the parents move apart, though eventually as others join, the family becomes a rainbow family–certainly a positive view, which may or may not be achieved.
That would be sweet when family members are getting along and parents have become friends or at least good business partners. Yes, in divorced families, there is a business relationship between the parents with the job of parenting and raising their children. The romantic relationship has been officially dissolved; however, the reality of letting go and “grieving the loss” may take years of anger and resentment and a therapist or mentor may be needed. Many people avoid the grieving and the growth and move along, carrying the weight of the loss into the next relationship hoping for better results.
For the children also, there is loss and grief and being able to express uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as families is so important. The family has moved from being one family to two families and each family needs to work to become coherent in itself, while being respectful of the other family. If there has been domestic violence or emotional or physical abuse, there may be little basis for sharing custody, though the court is not always sensitive to effect of these dynamics, which certainly affects the trust and feeling in the family.
Given the situation where the parents have decided to separate and physical custody is shared, two families are now present. Hopefully, the children are comfortable in both homes and there is a respect between parents, who hopefully recognize that being a good teammate with the other parent is very important to the growth, development and self-esteem of their children.
Virginia Satir (the mother of family therapy) recognized that while children may be loved by both parents, they scan the relationship between the parents and their self-esteem is affected by what they see going on between parents, so again how the parents treat each other is most critical. As parents it is helpful to be aware of how we view relationship and how we have learned to connect, as this is affected by our growing up in our families of origin. It has been immensely useful for me to look at recurring patterns and grieve the losses of the past to change behaviors and perhaps modify the patterns running from generation to generation.
At the same time we need to strengthen our families by sharing positive time, meals and conversation. Asking ourselves, with parents going first (to model positive behavior at the dinner table): “What Is The Highlight Of Your Day?” or “What is the Best Thing that Happened Today?”
Perhaps a pule, a prayer, a song and then doing “Highlights”. We do tend to be experts on what’s not going right and those things will come out soon enough so take some time to create some positive feeling first. “What is the best thing that happened to you today?” My son would often bring up the previous meal, so he would have to add something else as well. A beautiful sunrise or sunset or a good conversation with a friend is a good awareness as we train our minds to scan for the positive–inspiring interactions and events. The bottom line is to build positive, open and loving relationships, to enjoy your families and the changes and the growth and the love. A hui hou.
Mitch Berman is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Group Therapist. He is located in Makawao and can be reached at (808) 878-3414.
