Co-parenting—it’s for you and it’s for the kids
Don’t put the kids in the middle
The term co-parenting is the short version of “cooperative parenting.” It means to parent in a way where separated or divorced parents are partners in the joys and responsibilities of parenting their children— contributions of time, money, decision making as involved partners. It is challenging to parent with someone who you do get along with—he or she has different ideas, values, and ways of doing things with the kids, let alone parenting with someone who not only has different ways of doing things, but you have such differences that you can’t live together anymore.
One common challenge that co-parents have expressing sadness and anger for our child’s other parent in front of the child. “He’s such a…” “She never…” Or to the child “You tell your dad…” “Your mom always…” This is puts your child in the middle of your conflict. What happens for your child? She takes on your conflict as her own. Your most precious gift, your child, is impacted by the “arrows” shot in the “war” between you and your child’s other parent. The shots taken at her other parent pierces can feel as if you have said it about her. “Your dad is so….” can impact like, “You are so…” When you say, “The mom acts…,” it can be heard as, “You act…”
Literally your child is caught in the middle—he has ½ of his DNA from you and ½ from his other parent. How can he “choose” and not loose? If he “chooses” you, then he is asked to reject the other parent and possibly parts of himself. This is a no win situation—for you or for your kids.
How to work with this? Set the boundary for yourself to not “talk stink” about your child’s other parent. Never, ever let the thoughts come out of your mouth in front of the child. The next step is to find positive ways to address your past and current grief and anger. Talk to friends and family (when your child is not around—you may think your child is sleeping, not paying attention, or can’t hear and she may over hear. This can hurt her.) Get professional help from your pastor, priest, or a counselor. If your sadness starts to impact your sleep, work, and personal life, it may be time to talk to your doctor or a trained mental health professional. If your anger feels uncontrollable, you can attend an anger management class to learn ways to deal with it. Each day you honor your “no talk stink” boundary, you honor your child, support her to move forward positively, and strengthen your relationship with your child. The better you deal with your separation and divorce, the better your children will too. The divorce is an ending and it can be an opportunity—to learn more about yourself, to learn more positive ways to do things so that you and your kid’s future are bright.
Sherry Fisher, MA, MHS IV runs classes for parents experiencing separation and divorce, parents of children 0-5 years, and parents of teens. She also has a private practice in Pukalani for couples, families, children, and individuals. If you’d like information, you may reach her at (808) 205-2482 or [email protected]
